


Happy Families (even Alien Ones) Are All Alike

by redrobin1989



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Gen, Zim Membrane AU, and they become a chaotic disaster family, even from this hellish formerly dead fandom, in which Professor membrane adopts Zim, you'll pry the found family trope from my cold dead hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-23 08:48:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20337382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redrobin1989/pseuds/redrobin1989
Summary: Professor Membrane decides to expand his happy little family by adopting the screaming foreign green child his son is always playing with. His home has never been livelier.





	1. Chapter 1

“Good Evening my offspring are your hungry child bellies ready, **_for your dinner_**” Professor Membrane asked as a flying drone zipped around the room spooning bits of nutritious sludge onto their plates. Gaz didn’t look up from her handheld game simply moved the plate around with her elbow so the food landed appropriately. Dib was too busy glaring at the third member of the table to notice or care that goop was thrown at his head. Zim smiled demurely as he scooped some sludge off of the wall and took a bite.

“DELCIOUS Father Membrane Professor Sir, truly _genius_,” the green child said as he folded his hands in front of him, making no move to eat more. “Now please tell me, in _extreme_ detail, the events of your day, specifically the schematics of your latest weapons and evil plots. _Tell Zim_.” Dib hissed across the table. 

“Dib do not hiss at your new green brother, especially when Junior’s asking such astute questions about my marvelous inventions,” Membrane beamed, reaching over to pat Zim’s head. The alien practically purred at the contact. “After dinner I would be happy to take you down into the lab and spent hours explaining how to use all of my technology.”

“Dad you can’t be serious!” Dib exclaimed, making to climb up on the table but Gaz pulled him back into his seat with one hand. She was tired of seeing his footprints all over the table. “Why can’t you see Zim is an alien, I mean look at him,_ he’s green_, and he’s just using you to try and destroy the Earth!?”

“LIES, L I E S,” Zim shouted, also looking to climb onto the table when Gaz forced him back down. “But if you are planning **the destruction of humanity**, Membrane Father Sir then I would be very interested in hearing about it.” Zim said primly to the Professor.

“Do you see? Can none of your see what’s right in front of you??” Dib wailed letting his head fall onto his plate of various food splatters.

“Now, now, calm down my insane impressionable son,” Membrane soothed, patting one of Dib’s hands. “Every young scientist goes through a phase in their life in which they wish to destroy and dominate the Earth. It’s perfectly natural, I, Professor Membrane, had some truly wicked ideas when I was a young lad.”

“Really?” Zim and Dib asked at once only to glare heartily at one another. 

“Of course,” the Professor laughed. “Oh I had some truly devious inventions back in the day: lasers that turned people’s bones to gelatin, a device to reverse Earth’s gravity, I even built an earthquake machine that would have ripped apart the Earth’s core and sent entire continents hurtling into space!” 

“Dad!” Dib exclaimed with a horrified look at his father while Zim looked up from where he was taking detailed notes.

“No, don’t listen to the Dib Brother, please continue Sir Membrane Father.”

“But I grew past all that nonsense,” the Professor said with a little wave, “destruction for destruction’s sake is a miserable and ultimately futile exercise. Desolation never lasts long, humanity is always building and creating so anything that is broken will always be made again. It’s far more rewarding and interesting to make new things for the world.”

“But what if we find validation in destruction, what if my Tallest I mean,_ my poor deceased parental unit figures_, only care for my ability to enslave other inferior beings?” Zim asked quietly, clutching his notebook to his chest. Dib scoffed and averted his eyes. He hated seeing his mortal enemy looking vulnerable, almost as much as he hated Zim looking up at <strike>their</strike> his Dad with such open admiration.

“Then your old parents were fools, Junior, for true happiness lies in creation,” Membrane explained, setting a hand on Zim’s shoulder. “I gave up on my dreams of conquering when Dib and Gaz came into my life, and now that you are a part of our family, you too can help us spread peace and goodness to the entire planet.” Conflict stole across Zim’s face, Membrane’s words and comforting touch at war with his loyal Irken Invader blood. He was prevented from answering by a high pitched screaming noise and Gir smashing through the window and face planting onto the floor.

“**I JUST STOLE A GUN!**” The little robot keened gleefully, unzipping his suit almost completely in order to pull out the weapon. “**I’M GONNA USE IT TO MAKE GUNBO**”

“Excellent work Gir!” Zim shouted, starting to stand again when Gaz slapped the back on his knee and he also fell face first into his food, undeterred, he stood up again. “We shall use this “gun” as part of our multi-step process to take over this filthy, _disgusting_ **worm** planet!” That said, Zim grabbed the gun and ran off into the house laughing maniacally. 

“Zim! You won’t get a chance because I’m going to stop you!” Dib screeched, jumping out of his chair and chasing after. Well first he tripped on his coat and fell to the floor but then he got up and ran after his adopted brother. 

“ARE YOU GONNA EAT THOSE CANS?” Gir asked pointing to the empty cans that had been used to make dinner.

“No, please enjoy strange green dog I don’t remember purchasing,” Membrane said tossing the empty cans to Gir who ate one and shot lasers at the other two, scooping the ashes into a cup and slurping it before wandering off. “My goodness technology sure has improved dogs since my day.”

“ZIM! WHEN I CATCH YOU- AHH!” There was the sound of laughter and screaming from both boys as the sound of gunfire filled the house. 

“Dad, Zim and Dib are being loud, can you sew their mouths shut to make them stop,” Gaz grumbled, hunching over her video game to try and drown out the sounds of insanity and suffering resounding through the house.

“Oh Gazlene,” Membrane sighed happily, picking his daughter up and setting her in his lap. “That’s just what brothers do, sure Dib may be deranged and obsessive but he’s been so spirited since we adopted Junior. I think he’s a good influence on the boy.” The sound of a flamethrower coupled with Zim’s laughter activated the sprinkler system.

“I hate this family,” Gaz hissed.

“And I love all of you,” Membrane sighed happily, putting Gaz under one arm and standing up to go wrangle his two reckless sons. Life as usual, in the Membrane household, was good.


	2. Chapter 2

“Children, come here, it’s time for our **_family photo_**,” Professor Membrane said, his voice resounding through the house. “I promised your grandparents I’d show off my new green son.”

“We don’t have grandparents,” Gaz said, not looking up from her game but she did have a nice bow in her hair for the occasion.

“And I realized that you children were suffering for it so I got you some _new_ grandparents, courtesy of your brother Junior who I caught him talking to one night while building some horrid Doomsday Weapon,” Membrane said with a deep laugh. Gaz hummed and continued with her game. “Boy Child! Green Child! Your presence is being requested! And by requested I mean **d̶̥e͢m̬̦̣͉̘͓a̫̤n͎̣͖͠ͅd̗̩͓̪̟̗͡e̛͖̠͔d̹͝ͅ ͕̯͕̗**”

“Daaaaaaaaad,” Dib screamed, running down the stairs with his arms behind him like some sort of anime ninja. “I am telling you that Zim is an alien, I mean look he’s not even pretending any more.” He screeched, pointing over at Zim who wandered into the living room with his beady red eyes and absentmindedly scratching at one of his antennae while he slurped down a soda. “You have to see he’s an alien now.”

“Dib,” Membrane said in a way that was both gentle and chastising. “We’ve talked about this, just because someone looks different than us doesn’t mean we can call them aliens. I’m sure your brother came into this country perfectly legally.”

“Oh I did, surely, yes, so many _magnificent _forms,” Zim nodded before turning to Dib with a smug expression. “I decided that I shouldn’t have to hide myself from my **BELOVED FAMILY** so I did away with my contacts and wig while at home. Now I am free to just be my glorious, _handsome_ self,” Zim explained, draping one arm over Gaz’s shoulder. She hissed and Zim yelped and recoiled back sharply. 

“See? Nothing supernatural about it, I’m so happy you’re feeling more comfortable in your green skin, Junior,” Membrane said, patting Zim’s head. The alien preened.

“It’s Zim by the way, _Ziiiiiiiiiiiiim_,” the alien explained far more gently than he did with any other humans but no other humans petted him so fondly like Father Membrane did. 

“I’m sorry son, your foreign name is too difficult for me to say and besides, Junior fits you best since you’re clearly blessed with my supreme intelligence,” Membrane explained, gathering the three children in front of him.

“It’s three letters, the same as these other filthy worm babies,” Zim continued but was ignored as Membrane hummed while straightening out Gaz’s bow and lifted Dib onto one of his shoulders. “Hey! Why does the Dib Brother get the honor of ascending to your _lordly height_?” 

“Because your poor insane brother was hyperventilating and I thought maybe the improved air quality would do him good but fear not, Junior for I have two shoulders!” The professor said leaning down to pick up Zim placing him on the opposite shoulder.

“Dad! Don’t let him up here! He’s probably going to put alien mind warping parasites in your brain!” Dib hissed, leaning over his father’s shoulders to glare at his adopted brother. 

“I would never disgrace my Lord Membrane Father by something so** base** as ear worms! He is worthy of _at least_ some sort of hypnotic brain fungus,” Zim sneered back, batting away Dib’s hands. 

“Boys, boys,” Membrane sighed, pulling them back and straightening them out on his shoulder. “We can all have fun debating **Horrible Mind Control Methods **once we take this picture. I know it’s difficult for siblings to get along, especially siblings with such different backgrounds but, as your father, I’d appreciate it if you two would cooperate just long enough to take a nice picture for your recently acquired grandparents.” Both Zim and Dib grumbled a bit in shame and turned away from the other.

“Zim will honor your request Tallest Father Sir”

“Yeah, yeah just take the stupid picture already”

“Marvelous, **CameraBot900**! Prepare to capture forever on film this darling picture of me and my three beautiful children. The world must see how perfect and beautiful they are, even if they are green or insane.” The floating camera was making funny faces to provoke smiles from the three children, none of whom actually smiled. “Hmm, perhaps we should get that strange green dog in the photo as well…”

GIR squealed as he raced down the chimney and opened his mouth to swallow the CameraBot. The poor machine wailed as it was swallowed whole and then became mercifully silent. The little robot let out a little burp. “That tasted like bananas.”

“Oh **NO**,” Membrane shouted, falling dramatically to his knees almost causing the two kids on his shoulder to topple off. “Now how will we have our special family photo? _**HOW**_??”

“It’s okay, I found this camera I was using to take pictures of my butt,” Gir said holding up a very worn and dented camera.

“Hey that’s MY camera, I’ve been using it to catalog all Zim’s alien activity!” Dib yelled while Zim nodded and chuckled under his breath.

“You have saved the day, chartreuse canine,” Membrane shouted, jumping back to his feet. “Please set the camera up and join us in this marvelous family photograph.”

“WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” GIR giggled pushing various buttons on the camera before running over and jumping into Gaz’s arms. The motion caused her to drop her game devious as she now had an armful of robot dog. Dib was shouting at Zim about controlling his alien menace and Zim was shouting back about how he wasn’t being sensitive to all of GIR’s needs. The camera clicked several times as the whole scene descended into chaos. Gaz was soon off chasing GIR who was running rampant through the house and the boys were out the front door, soon wrestling dramatically on the front yard. 

Membrane sighed and went over to look at the photos. None were what you would call refined or even halfway decent. But he had discovered long ago that families, like science, are messy and oftentimes ugly. But just because something is ugly on the outside doesn’t mean it doesn’t still bring joy to those involved. He paused on one particular shot that was full of craziness and emotion and nonsense, in other words, it perfectly encapsulated his family.

“I believe this is the photograph that I will send to the grandparents and an extra copy will adorn my desk,” he muttered proudly. Outside, Zim was shrieking in agony as Dib brought out the hose and Gaz was sitting on top of a squirming GIR as she resumed her game. Truly all was right in the world if the whole family could get together and take horrible, ugly photos.

**67 million lightyears away**

"My Tallest, there is an incoming transmission from the planet Earth," one of the communication soldiers announced. Red told the lowly short nobody to put it through while Purple rubbed at his chin.

"Hey isn't that the planet we exiled Zim to?"

A bright picture populated across the Massive's screen of three hairy, pink pig like creatures along with Zim. The Tallest looked back and forth at each other and then back to the screen.

"Is it me or is this kind of cut-" Purple began before Red cut him off.

"Communications, reply to this signal with thanks and request more pictures, the more cute and embarrassing the better. Any and all messages from this uh Professor Membrane receive top priority."


	3. Chapter 3

“Get out of my room!” Dib shrieked trying to shut the door on the alien that had infested his life. Bad enough he had to see Zim at school and then at home but now in his room, the one sanctuary he had from the madness? Zim ducked under his arms and entered the room, scanning the area with a dismissive look.

“Membrane Father says good siblings share, Dib Brother,” Zim said cheekily before he turned to confront the human. “Except for my things, I know you took my radiotopic quasmieser and I demand you return my property to me before your oafish human hands break it.”

“Oh, you mean _this_,” Dib grinned manically, pulling odd alien device out of his drawer. “Having you in my life has been nothing but a nightmare; the only advantage of having you close is having all your alien technology within my re- Hey!” Dib shouted as he was interrupted mid-monologue by Zim charging him, screeching and struggling to grab the machine. 

“Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie!” The alien screamed flailing his arms in Dib’s face trying to grab the device.

Dib cackled, holding it high over his head where Zim couldn’t reach. He looked down at his mortal enemy and sort of adopted brother (he guesses) and sneered. “What? Is it too high for you? How does it feel to be a little shorty on top of being so magnificently incompetent?” To his surprise, Zim stopped his shouting and jumping to look up at Dib with wide eyes. The alien looked between them as if he had just noticed that, over the last several months they’d been battling over the fate of the Earth, Dib had grown slightly taller than him. 

“_What_ is the _meaning_ of this!?” Zim hissed, shuffling back and hunching his shoulders. “What technology do you have at your disposal that grants you greater height?** Tell me!**” 

“What are you talking ab-”

“**Tell me!**”

“I’m try to you-”

“**Tell me!**”

“Arg!” Dib screamed in frustration, clutching his hands to his head as if he could possibly get a moment of peace. But life wasn’t kind in that way and Zim certainly wasn’t. “It’s called growing up, _Junior_. People are born small and grow bigger as they age. Do you think my dad and all the other adults just _appeared _that way?” Judging by the Zim was blinking rapidly and furrowing his eyebrow, he probably did. Dib called him an alien all the time but it’s moments like these he realized just how_ other_ Zim was. “Do your uh people not grow up?”

“Irkens remain the same size from creation their whole life,” Zim muttered absentmindedly, perhaps not realizing he’d finally given Dib a name for his species. ‘Irken’ did sound kind of cool but Dib was still privately going to refer to them as ‘Dumb Green Butthole Aliens’. 

“Wait if you’re not that small because you’re young then how old are you?” Dib asked, almost afraid of the answer.

“Older than your puny mind can comprehend,” Zim dismissed with a wave while Dib was too busy trying to comprehend the fact that someone who was essentially an adult spent his time attending middle school and picking fights with kids. Zim squinted his red eyes at Dib. 

“Are you saying that one day you will be as tall as Father Membrane?”

“Uh yeah maybe, I mean he is my dad and I’m told height runs in the family…” Dib trailed off at the look of horror and dismay on Zim’s face. His antennae flattened against his head and he backed up some more looking incredibly lost and vulnerable. It was uncomfortable to witness having been on the receiving end of that misery more times than he could count. When had he flipped and become the bully? “So I’ll be taller than you, who cares. You have those weird spider leg things to get you around.”

“Once you are Tall, people _listen_ to you,” Zim mumbled, still folded in on himself and eyeing Dib like the was the alien. From Zim’s perspective he probably was but he’d never acted like Dib was really any different from him before. “Our Tallest are the highest authority, they lead our people in glorious conquest. They are beloved and respected and those who are beneath them are… not.” For just a brief moment, Dib could read Zim’s whole history in his hunched shoulders and downcast gaze. It was sad and lonely and painfully similar to his own life; bullies weren’t invented on Earth after all.

“Pfft,” Dib chuckled uncomfortably, “who wants to be tall anyway? You just run into things and have to buy bigger clothes. I don’t know how your society works but on Earth, how tall you are doesn’t decide anything, everyone has a choice in who they are and how important they’re going to be.” As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Dib knew he had made a grave error. Because in his stupid awkward moment of being nice he had forgotten that Zim was, in fact, trying to destroy the world. And was an obsessive, insane maniac. Also stupid. Zim stood himself up to his full height, still just below Dib, and proudly set his hands on his hips every inch the vile invader scum Dib despised. 

“For once in your life Dib baby, you are correct! Zim is too great of an invader to be held back by something so minuscule! I will conquer this filthy Earth planet and present it to my Tallest in order to prove what I have always known, that I am the single greatest invader Irk has ever seen!” He laughed loudly and with abandon as he snatched the radio whatchamacallit out of Dib’s hands. “So long, _Dib_, I’m off to conqueeeeeeest!” He said, activating his spider legs and punching a hole through Dib’s wall even though the window or the door was _right there _and climbed out.

Dib was staring dumbly at the empty space when Zim’s upside down face dropped down to glare at him. “Tell Father that I shall be late for dinner, too busy with my evil and all.” He frowned, probably remembering that Dad didn’t tolerate anyone being late for dinner and will literally track them across all of space time to get them to the table. “Fine but no more of your disgusting human pizza, it makes _Zim_ sick.” 

“That’s because your “dog” ordered fish eyes and toenails on the last pizza,” even Gaz, who would eat pretty much any kind of pizza, had declined. But Zim was already gone, probably back to his home base to work on some truly nasty scheme that would inevitably fall apart due to his own reckless stupidity. Zim might be an adult by alien standards but he had a lot to learn about growing up. Dib did too but he was still a kid so he had time and, as long as Zim was living in this house, maybe he’d do a little growing too. In the metaphorical sense at least, man Dib can’t wait until he hit puberty and got way taller. He couldn’t wait to lord that over the alien. Maybe there was something to this ‘brother’ thing after all. 


End file.
